Ten Months

10 months ago yesterday I had to make that decision that no wife wants to make and instructed the doctors to take my husband off of the ventilator. I know that it was the right decision--his body was shutting down and he wasn't going to get better. But there is still a part of me that wonders if something would have changed if I gave him just a little more time. Gessner was always the "comeback kid." A couple weeks before he nearly died during a procedure and he was up ready to get out of the hospital the very next day. He was always beating the odds and surprising everyone. What if he just needed a little more time to comeback? I actually felt like he was already gone, at least his spirit was, but I can't shakes these doubts.

This week a friend asked me if it gets easier as time passes. For me, it hasn't. It is just different. I still hope that I am in the middle of some horrible nightmare and that I will wake up and find him in bed next to me. I still have nightmares about his death and I still plead with whomever is in charge to let him come back. I hope that it will eventually get easier--and I am sure that it will. But for right now, it is still horrible.